Choosing to Feel Dread as Self-Protection
I’m always examining the patterns that limit my growth in order to deepen my core understanding of why I do what I do. Creating that awareness allows me to change those patterns.
For example, I noticed a few years ago, if I’m reading an audiobook or doing a program, I can start out excited for some new info that is going to make a difference in my life. But as I get further along in the process, I may stop completely or delay or slow the process. It was not a conscious thing.
But what I realized is there was a fear or a sense of dread and discomfort I was creating as a way of protecting myself from feeling incompetent. A part of my largely unconscious thinking going something like, “What if I finish this book and I don’t suddenly transform? What if I complete this material and I am not suddenly evolved? What if I don’t use the material? and/or If I complete this, then I’m obligated to change, but that is difficult and scary.”
So rather than risk failure by completing the book or program and not having the miraculous change I’m hoping for, it felt safer to not finish and stay stuck. At least that way I have the excuse that I did not finish, so I don’t have to put the effort into trying.
In theory I was saving myself from what we all share as the worst critic of all, ourselves. I was saving myself from that inner critic that might say “What’s wrong with you? You studied that material and now you don’t have it all figured out. You suck!”
When my resources are being taxed, That familiar pattern still shows up from time to time. But now I recognize it faster and can course correct.
It’s really amazing the machinations our minds can create that may come from an inner desire to keep ourselves safe but in reality keep us stuck. What do you recognize in yourself and/or what other patterns do you experience. Reach out and let me know what resonates for you. I’m genuinely curious to hear from you.
We’ll look at how to change the pattern in a moment but first, here are just a few other patterns that may show up:
Avoiding Success and Its Responsibilities
Another form of self-sabotage is avoiding success due to the responsibilities and expectations that come with it. The thought process might be, “If I succeed, people will expect more from me, and I’m not sure I can handle that pressure.” This fear of increased expectations can cause us to stay in our comfort zone, even when opportunities for growth are within reach.
Procrastination as a Coping Mechanism
Procrastination is a classic self-sabotage strategy. We delay tasks, convincing ourselves that we work better under pressure or that we’ll get to it later. The underlying fear often is, “What if I start and fail?” or “What if my work isn’t good enough?” Or perhaps we start a project with the assumption that we are going to overwhelmed or miserable. By procrastinating, we avoid the risk of failure or judgment.
Negative Self-Talk and Limiting Beliefs
Our internal dialogue can be our biggest enemy. Negative self-talk, such as “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never be able to do this,” can paralyze us. These limiting beliefs create a mental barrier that prevents us from taking action or even trying new things. Repeating these thoughts reinforces the belief that we are incapable, leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Perfectionism and Fear of Imperfection
Perfectionism can lead to self-sabotage because it sets unrealistic standards. The fear of not meeting these standards can cause us to avoid starting tasks altogether. We might think, “If I can’t do it perfectly, why bother?” This mindset stops us from making progress and learning through the process.
Overcommitting and Burnout
Taking on too much at once can be a form of self-sabotage. By overcommitting, we set ourselves up for failure because it’s impossible to give our best to too many tasks at once. This often leads to burnout, which then serves as an excuse for not being able to achieve our goals.
Setting Unrealistic Goals
Setting goals that are too ambitious can be another way we sabotage ourselves. While it’s important to aim high, goals that are unattainable can lead to frustration and discouragement. This discouragement can then justify giving up altogether, reinforcing a cycle of inaction and disappointment.
Fear of Change and the Unknown
Fear of the unknown is a powerful force that can keep us stuck in our current situation, even if it’s not ideal. Change requires stepping into unfamiliar territory, and this can be terrifying. The thought, “What if things get worse?” can prevent us from making positive changes in our lives.
Self-Doubt and Lack of Confidence
A lack of self-confidence can lead to self-sabotage by making us doubt our abilities. We might avoid taking on new challenges or pursuing opportunities because we’re afraid we’re not capable. This self-doubt can stem from past experiences or internalized criticism.
Relying on External Validation
Seeking validation from others can sabotage our self-growth. When we rely too much on external approval, we may make choices based on what we think others want rather than what we truly desire. This can lead to resentment and a lack of fulfillment.
To change these self-sabotaging patterns, it’s essential to develop self-awareness and take proactive steps:
Acknowledge the Pattern: Recognize when you’re engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors and identify the underlying fears driving them.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations and realistic perspectives. Question the validity of your fears.
Set Realistic Goals: Break down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
Embrace Imperfection: Understand that perfection is unattainable and that mistakes are opportunities for growth.
Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for encouragement and accountability.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and recognize that everyone has fears and makes mistakes.
Know You Can Do Hard Things: You know what? Sometimes, frankly things are a pain in the ass. For example when i’m learning some new tech a part of me has dreaded get started and so I delay. But what i’ve found is, even when things are not as joyful as I’d like, all that delaying does, is keep me stuck in negative energy for longer. So instead, I get going, knowing the quicker i move through the rough parts the sooner I can feel the excitement and pride of completion. Which brings me to:
Celebrate Yourself Daily: Take the time to notice what you did well. It may be something large or it might be just a slight improvement or step forward. Maybe it’s simply noticing where you want to make a change. Whatever it is, taking the time to celebrate ourselves boosts our self worth and keeps us motivated to crate new empowering habits.
By identifying and addressing your self-sabotaging behaviors, you can start to make meaningful changes in your life, overcoming the fears and doubts that hold you back.
It can take patience and practice. If you notice yourself slipping back into old patterns, celebrate the fact that you are noticing and recommit to your growth.
How have you been holding yourself back? Would you like support to change those patterns, reach out and let’s have a conversation.
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“Sometimes we self-sabotage just when things seem to be going smoothly. Perhaps this is a way to express our fear about whether it is okay for us to have a better life.” – Maureen Brady
“The fear of failure has sabotaged many hopes and dreams.” – RJ Intindola