Why Beating Yourself Up Isn’t Helping—And What To Do Instead
It’s human and it’s normal to beat ourselves up when we feel we’ve wronged ourselves or someone else. Perhaps we think we deserve punishment. Perhaps we think being hard on ourselves is the path to preventing that in the future. In the short term, that might work sometimes. Even if it does, the long term result is to create stress in our nervous system, to make ourselves wrong or not enough. It puts a big weight on us. But what if we could forgive ourselves? Sure learning from your mistakes and deciding how you can move forward is valuable. Beating ourselves up is not.
Years ago I had a client with cancer who came to me for a more healthy relationship with her inner world. While we worked on many aspects, one thing that came up was in her weakened state she had tripped and broken her leg. She had a great deal of anger over that and was blaming herself in numerous ways. I asked her, “What would happen if you could forgive yourself?” Her eyes lit up and her body visibly relaxed from her tense state. She said it never occurred to her that self forgiveness was even an option. It was the beginning of a powerful change in not only her relationship to herself but ultimately in her relationship with others as well.
Forgiving ourselves isn’t about letting ourselves off the hook or pretending we did nothing wrong. It’s about recognizing that we are already worthy—even when we mess up, even when we fall short of our ideals. Self-forgiveness allows us to lay down the heavy burden of guilt and shame that can weigh on our nervous system and distort how we see ourselves.
When we forgive ourselves, we reclaim energy that’s been tied up in self-punishment. We free up space to learn, to grow, and to relate more openly with others. We soften the inner critic and make room for compassion. It’s not the easy way out—it’s a courageous path back to wholeness.
The truth is, being hard on ourselves might feel productive for a while. But it rarely brings lasting change. While self forgiveness is about creating an inner environment where it’s safe to be human, to reflect, to take accountability—and to begin again.
That’s what I saw with my client. The simple question—“What would happen if you could forgive yourself?”—opened a door she hadn’t even seen was there. The shift in her body, her energy, her outlook… it was palpable.
So what about you?
What if you could forgive yourself?
What might be possible—not just for your relationship with yourself, but for how you show up in every area of life?
Here’s a brief tapping meditation to support you. Feel free to change the words to fit your experience. And if you want support with something deeper, reach out—I’d be honored to walk with you.
Tap along with the script below or the video here: https://youtu.be/F1W4dX65EyA
[Side of Hand Point]
Even though I’ve been holding onto guilt, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I’ve judged myself harshly, I’m open to forgiving myself now.
Even though part of me thinks I don’t deserve forgiveness, I choose to be compassionate with myself.
[Top of Head]
This burden I’ve been carrying.
[Eyebrow]
What if I could forgive myself.
[Side of Eye]
All the ways I’ve punished myself.
[Under Eye]
It’s hard to let go of this regret.
[Under Nose]
Beating myself up serves no one and just causes me pain.
[Chin]
I’m human, and I make mistakes.
[Collarbone]
I don’t have to keep holding this guilt.
[Under Arm]
I’m ready to let it soften, even just a little.
[Top of Head]
I’m doing the best I can and I choose to forgive myself.
