Why Me?
That was a question I used to ask myself a lot in my darker days. More on that in a minute but first...
I was at a friend's birthday party this weekend, and I was sharing with someone there about how giddy I was to be spending time with them. They definitely are an amazing human being, and our conversation was filled with incredible depth and vulnerability.
As I reflected today on the reasons for feeling giddy, something struck me. I realized while part of it was certainly about how my conversational partner showed up, another part of it was very much because I’m excited for how I’m showing up. I'm excited for the amazing people that I have in my life and I’m excited by all the hard work that I’ve done to reach this place.
I'm excited that I have friends and community that I'm surrounded by that are willing to have hard conversations, that are willing to support each other in times of need and who make space for the fullness of the human experience. Not just the bright shiny parts but the messy and uncomfortable parts as well. I'm excited that what I get to experience in those around me is a reflection of me.
It's especially valuable to recognize all that given how long I suffered with severe social anxiety. What I came to call pathological social anxiety where I would want to run home screaming at the thought of interacting with others. And yet I desperately craved interacting with others. In fact I considered myself an extrovert. Fed by human connection, but terrified of it as well.
I would go to a gathering and sit in my car for half an hour or more, trying to work up the energy to go inside. Sometimes I would manage to force myself and maybe I'd even interact with someone, though it was just as likely that eventually I'd get too worn out from the anxiety and the stories that were in my head, so I would simply drive back home.
My stories included that I didn’t know how to have a conversation or how to make connection with other humans. Stories of being less than others. In fact there was a time I did not even think of myself as human because I didn't have the love and connection that others seemed to have.
I thought, not only did everyone else get the book of how to do life and I didn’t, but everyone could see that I didn’t get the book and how badly I was messing it up. How incompetent I was and I felt they were actively making fun of me and ostracizing me for that or at least they would if I tried to connect with them. Childhood wounds around the fear of being abandoned and the fear of not being loved by those around me were ever present.
I remember the days that I would drive around by myself thinking I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had someone I could call. I wish I had someone to play with and to feel supported by. But I just felt so insecure and reaching out felt risky and dangerous. It was just another opportunity for others to abandon me. Combine that with an undiagnosed sleep disorder and undiagnosed ADHD, and I was riddled with self doubt that made it hard to make friends, to accomplish my goals and live the life I desired. And it made the effort to figure things out so much greater because I doubted myself so much and had such a loud and anxious inner critic.
Perhaps for you self-doubt shows up in a different way perhaps you don’t struggle with any of the things that I struggled with. Maybe self-doubt shows up in you with its own flavor. Or maybe you can relate to some of the things that I shared. What does your story look like and what are the things holding you back? Whether they look similar to mine or not, we all have stories that don't serve us, we all have traumas to overcome.
I was in and out of therapists offices from the time I was a child. Then my first foray into the self help world was in my twenties with a pack of 24 cassette tapes on your personal power from Tony Robbins. I can still remember how impactful that was even though I never did finish the tapes. In the decades since that time, I’ve done so much self work and so many modalities. I've even gotten certifications in many of them.
There was Mindfulness, Breath work, Somatics, Non Violent Communication, Movement Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Sexual healing modalities, Internal Family Systems/Parts Work, Nature Connection, Neural retraining, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) Tapping, Psychedelic Assisted therapies, Self Compassion practices, Hypnotherapy and so much more. As new tools enter my awareness, I continue to explore them and deepen into the practices that serve me.
My goal when I first started listening to Tony Robbins and since has been to suffer less and to be able to access the gifts that I knew were inside of me if only I could unlock them. My life is not perfect and that’s not the point. I don't believe such a thing exists. But I have learned to see my challenges as an opportunity rather than a limitation. I have in fact learned to suffer less. So incredibly much less. And when I do struggle, I've learned I can share the pain of the human experience with others and rather than being shunned, they will accept me. They will love me for it and through it.
That's why I was so giddy this weekend. To go from a time when I was alone and feeling like i did not belong to having both friends and clients who share with me how thankful they are for my presence and how lovely it is to be with me feels amazing. Recognizing the beauty of those around me is a mirror for who I've become inspires me to be more. These days as my life gets bigger, I find new challenges to explore in my inner world and an ever expanding tool kit of resources to move through those challenges.
I also have the tools to fulfill a vision I've had since the very beginning. A goal of wanting others to suffer less than I did and to not have to take as long to figure it out. I want others to have resources to emerge from whatever shadows are darkening their light. To let go of self-doubt and to let go of the hold of the inner critic.
That’s why I do what I do. I’ve been thinking for a while about writing the story of why I started my business "In Connection With Nature" and why I call my signature coaching program, "Permission To Be Your FULL Self". There is so much more to the story to be shared over time, and this is a start.
In the meantime, if I can support you in your healing journey or the pursuit of your next big leap, reach out, I would be honored to have a conversation with you. If I could do it, so can you!
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." — E.E. Cummings
"Your self-worth is determined by you. You don't have to depend on someone telling you who you are." — Beyonce
"To bring about change, you must not be afraid to take the first step. We will fail when we fail to try." — Rosa Parks
"A problem is a chance for you to do your best." — Duke Ellington