You Can Teach The People You Love How To Love You!
Have you ever noticed how we sometimes expect others to just know how to love us—how to speak to us, what to say, what not to say—and then feel disappointed or unseen when they don’t?
The truth is, we’re always teaching each other—consciously or not—how to care for us.
Every interaction sends a message: what feels okay, what doesn’t, what opens us up, and what shuts us down.
The challenge is that most of this “training” happens unconsciously, through tone, withdrawal, or even silence. When that’s the case, it’s hard to create the kind of changes we actually long for.
But when we become conscious—when we say, “Hey, it would really feel good to hear this from you,” or, “When you say it that way, I feel a little dismissed”—then we start to co-create a relationship where both people can grow.
A Few Simple Examples
Instead of hoping your partner will notice what you need, you might say:
“When I’ve had a long day, it means a lot when you just say, ‘That sounds hard—I get why you’re tired.’”Or, if you’re feeling disconnected:
“Could we have a few minutes of no phones after dinner? That kind of presence helps me feel close to you.”Or, if words of affirmation matter to you:
“It would feel really good to hear you say you’re proud of me once in a while.”
These might sound simple, but they’re acts of vulnerability and leadership in a relationship. You’re saying, Here’s what care looks like for me.
A Story From My Life
Several decades ago, I was living in Alaska and would talk on the phone with my mom in Florida. I noticed that whenever we ended our calls, we never said “I love you.”
One day, I asked her why. She didn’t really have an answer. Honestly I did not expect her too, but that was the only way I knew to open up the conversation. Expressions of love had always been uncomfortable for her—even though I knew she felt them deeply.
These days, I might have said something like, “I’d really love to share those words with each other if they feel true for you, Mom.” But I didn’t need to—because something shifted after that conversation.
We started saying “I love you” at the end of every call.
And honestly? It felt weird. For almost a year it was awkward and forced, like we were both practicing a new language. It was not that those feelings did not exist but the expression of them was out of our comfort zones with each other.
But over time, the strangeness softened. The words started to feel natural. And eventually, all that was left was the love that had been there all along.
We had to train that into each other— because expressing it was outside our comfort zones. Not because the love wasn’t real, but because each of our previous wounding made that expression beyond what naturally occurred until we consciously chose to change that.
You get to do that in your relationships as well.
Love Is a Two-Way Training Ground
While it’s valuable to learn to express how we want to be treated, it’s equally important to create safety for our loved ones to do the same.
That means being open when they say, “It helps me when you encourage me,” or, “I feel criticized when you use that tone.”
It means not taking it as blame, but as an invitation—to understand them better, and to expand the space where love can flow both ways.
We’re not just teaching others how to love us—we’re also learning how to become people who can receive that love, and offer it back in the language that feels safe to them.
Bringing It Home
If we teach unconsciously (and we are always teaching whether we realize it or not), we get unconscious results. But when we teach consciously, we can actually create the safety and love we want. And that means being willing to say, “This is what care looks like for me.”
Every time you name what feels good, and every time you listen to what feels good for someone else, you’re helping love find its natural rhythm.
At first it might feel awkward or “too much.”
But with patience, those awkward moments become new patterns of safety, tenderness, and truth.
Because love, connection, and care are living things. They grow with practice.
So if it feels strange at first, that’s okay.
You’re simply teaching love a new language.
Reflection Prompt:
What is one small way you could teach someone how to love or support you this week—and one way you could create space for them to teach you the same?
I'd love to hear what you come up with, so please reach out. (See, I'm teaching you how to love me. How can I best love you?)
With warmth and curiosity,
Gregg
In Connection with Nature
P.S. Discover how good it can feel to stop hiding and start living as your full self.
The most powerful version of you — the one who feels safe to be seen — is ready to emerge.
Ready to feel that freedom? Let’s explore it together in a free discovery call.
“The way we talk to each other becomes the way we remember each other.”
— Alain de Botton
Photo: Me and My Mom many years ago.
“Love is a practice, not a possession. It grows when we choose presence over protection.”
— Jack Kornfield