Before You Can Teach Others How to Love You… Start Here
Last week << Test First Name >>, I wrote about something we all long for:
being loved in a way that makes us come alive and deeply feels like love to us.
A core component is the knowledge whether consciously or unconsciously:
we are always teaching the people in our lives how to love us.
Through our words, our tone, our responses and our silences — we’re always teaching something, whether we mean to or not.
But there’s an important step before that.
A step we don’t acknowledge nearly enough.
We can’t teach others a language we’ve never practiced with ourselves.
Before we guide others into how we want to be loved, we have to learn how to offer it inward — so it doesn’t feel foreign, or undeserved, or impossible to receive.
And that’s where this week’s story begins.
Mirror Work & the Awkward Art of Loving Ourselves
More than a decade ago, I learned a practice from Louise Hay called mirror work.
Maybe you’ve heard of it. Maybe you’ve tried it.
Maybe it’s always sounded a little out there.
Here’s the gist:
You stand in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and say something loving yet may feel hard such as “I love you.”
It sounds simple, right?
Except for most people, the first time often feels… weird.
And don’t limit yourself to one way of saying I love you.
Say it in a variety of ways. I remember trying it years ago. The words “I love you” came easily to me. But saying things like, “You matter Gregg.” or “You are enough.” or “You are valuable.”, those honestly felt much harder.—
I was a grown adult, with decades of life experience and,healing work — and still, I felt like a kid uncomfortable and insecure stumbling through a new way of speaking to myself.
And honestly?
It felt scary and uncomfortable at times.
Not because the love wasn’t there, but because I’d never expressed it directly to myself in those ways. If a lump forms in your throat, sadness or anger arise, you are on a good path. Allow those emotions to be there and comfort the younger version of you that is precipitating these emotions.
Over time, I taught this practice to friends, too. And every single one of them shared the same experience:
“This feels so strange… but over time something in them softened.
That softness — even if it’s just a few seconds of it — is the beginning of a new relationship with yourself.
Why It Feels So Vulnerable (And Why That’s Okay)
When we say loving words to ourselves, especially while making eye contact, something real is happening under the surface:
Our nervous system recalibrates.
Our old patterns of self-criticism get interrupted.
Our protective layers loosen.
The parts of us that never got consistent affirmation begin to feel seen.
So yes — the awkwardness makes sense.
You’re engaging a part of yourself that hasn’t had this kind of attention before.
In fact over time, I recommend not just resting if some words are easy to say as was the case with me, but actually search for the ones that are hard to say. Those are the ones that are the secret to you truly feeling your own self love.
And just like in relationships, new patterns will feel foreign at first… no need to judge yourself for that, be compassionate and give yourself time. Because eventually what feels uncomfortable can feel, easeful, normal and even amazing.
We’re Always Teaching Ourselves, Too
What I shared last week about how we unconsciously teach others how to love us is just as true for the ways we unconsciously treat ourselves.
Because a deeper truth is:
We are always teaching ourselves how to love us.
Through the way we talk to ourselves.
Through the things we ignore.
Through the moments we judge, rush, or dismiss our own needs.
If we teach through harshness, we reinforce harshness.
If we teach through avoidance, we reinforce disconnection.
When we teach through kindness, presence, and curiosity…
we build an inner world we can actually feel safe inside.
Mirror work is a beautiful way to begin shifting that inner language.
A Gentle Way to Try It (No Pressure, Truly)
You don’t need to light candles or set up a ceremony. Though you certainly can if that feels good to you.
You don’t even have to start with “I love you” if that feels like too much at first.
Here’s a simple version:
Stand or sit in front of a mirror.
Take one slow breath, feeling your body.
Look into your own eyes for just a moment.
Say a phrase that feels true:
“I’m here with you.”
“I care about you.”
“You’re trying your best.”
Notice what happens — without judgment.
End with a phrase you wish someone would say to you.
Even 10 seconds is enough to start rewriting something deep. 60 seconds is phenomenal. Whether repeating the same phrase or finding different expressions of self love.
I won’t claim I do this every day — I don’t.
But I absolutely notice the difference on the days I do, and the ideology behind it shapes the way I think about myself daily.
When We Love Ourselves, We Teach Others How to Love Us Better
Something magical happens when we practice self-love in this way:
It becomes easier to express what we need.
It becomes easier to receive love when it’s offered.
We stop settling for crumbs.
We stop accepting the tone that hurts us.
We start believing we’re worthy of tenderness, both inside and out.
Because the truth is this:
The way you love yourself sets the tone for how love feels in your life.
We don’t have to be perfect at it.
We just have to be willing to practice.
Reflection Prompt
What is one sentence you wish someone would say to you —
and what would it be like to say those words to yourself this week?
I’d love to hear what comes up for you.
With love, warmth and curiosity,
In Connection with Nature,
Gregg
If you want to dive deeper into the subtle ways we speak to ourselves, read my article on Tiny Buddha.
The most powerful version of you — the one who feels safe to be seen — is ready to emerge, so if you want to explore other ways of cultivating self love let's have a complimentary call. Just click the "Work with Gregg" link now.
“And I said to my body, softly: I want to be your friend. It took a long breath and replied: I have been waiting my whole life for this.” --
Nayyirah Waheed
“You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” --
Louise Hay