Build Self-Trust: Express Your Needs, Not Just Your Problem
It's common and it’s human when you're feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or simply out of sync, that what comes out is a vague complaint or an explosion of stress. "I'm so stressed," "This is too much," or "Why is everything so difficult?" While these statements may accurately reflect your internal state, they often fall short in helping you get what you truly need.
Yes, at times, they absolutely can be a release valve for the pressure you're feeling but they don’t result in long term relief. In fact, consistently voicing only problems, without articulating a desired solution or need, can erode your self-trust.
Why self-trust? Because when you only express the negative, you're essentially telling yourself (and others) that you're stuck in the problem, unable to identify a path forward. But when you bravely (it can feel vulnerable) articulate a need, you're demonstrating agency, self-awareness, and a belief that your needs are valid and can be met. This is a powerful act of self-trust.
Let’s consider one example. You’re having a rough day and you say to your partner, "I'm so stressed”. This statement leaves the listener (and even, you yourself) with little direction. But what if you change to: "Hey, I'm feeling really overwhelmed with work right now, and what I could really use is just some quiet time together, maybe a walk."
Let's break down why this reframing is so effective and how it builds self-trust:
From Problem Oriented to Solution Oriented
When you simply say "I'm so stressed”, you’re expressimg a problem. It may be accurate, but it doesn't invite a solution or even a clear understanding of what would help alleviate the stress. By contrast, “…what I could really use is just some quiet time together, maybe a walk" is solution-oriented. You’re not just highlighting the discomfort; you’re suggesting a specific remedy. This shift in focus can empower you. It both provides the release valve and provides a clear path for your partner to respond helpfully.
Note: Though this scenario uses “partner”, you can substitute, friend, child, parent, coworker or any other relationship.
Clear Communication and Boundaries
Expressing a need or desire is an act of clear communication. It removes the guesswork for the other person. Your partner doesn't have to wonder if you need advice, a hug, or just to be left alone. You’ve explicitly stated your preference. This clarity also helps in setting healthy boundaries. By clearly articulating what you need, you are defining what could be helpful to feel better, rather than passively hoping someone will intuit it.
Note: Sometimes we don’t know what we need, that’s ok. We can share that and ask if our partner is willing to brainstorm with us. Or perhaps we just need to vent and let off some steam and it would feel good to be heard. We can ask if that is something our partner is available for. In either of these scenarios we are still clearly sharing what is needed / desired.
Validating Your Own Desires
Often, we hesitate to express our needs because we worry they might be inconvenient, selfish, or too small to matter. However, your needs are valid. By voicing them, you are affirming to yourself that your feelings and desires are important. This self-validation is a cornerstone of self-trust. Each time you successfully articulate and meet a need, you strengthen your belief in your own worth and ability to care for yourself as well as ask for and receive the support that you desire.
Note: While your needs are valid, that does not mean someone else is always going to be available to meet them in the moment you ask for them, so ask from a place of sharing your needs rather than expectation. If the other person is not able to meet your needs in the moment, you can see if there is another time that would work, see if there is some alternative the person you asked is able to meet, or find an alternative way to get your needs met.
Cultivating Agency
When you express a need, you're taking an active role in managing your well-being. You're not a passive recipient of circumstances; you're an agent in your own life. This sense of agency is crucial for building self-trust. It reinforces the idea that you have control over your experiences (rather than being a victim to them) and the power to influence your environment in a positive way.
Practical Steps to Express Your Needs:
Identify the underlying need: When you feel a problem surfacing, pause and ask yourself: "What do I really need in this moment?" Is it rest, support, space, clarity, or something else?
Be specific: Instead of vague statements, try to pinpoint exactly what would help. "I need help with this task" is less effective than "Could you review this section for me by 3 PM?"
Use "I" statements: Frame your needs from your perspective. "I feel overwhelmed and I need some quiet time" is more effective than "You always make things chaotic and noisy."
Practice, practice, practice: It might feel awkward at first, especially if you're not used to advocating for yourself. Start with smaller needs and gradually work your way up.
By shifting from merely stating problems to clearly articulating your needs, you're not just improving your communication with others; you're fundamentally strengthening your relationship with yourself. You're building a foundation of self-trust that will empower you to navigate challenges with greater confidence and well-being.
In next weeks newsletter, I’ll dive deeper into the topic of “Self Trust” and share a recent story from my own life that illustrates this dynamic and also speaks to the unconscious and hidden habit or “kink” of searching for problems, why we do it and how we can avoid it.
Photo: from a recent forest bathing experience I lead in Presidio Park, San Francisco with friends.
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Photo: from a recent trip to the channel islands, kayaking with a seagull flying above us. Oh and if you look close enough, you might also notice a humpback whale about to splash us with it's tail.
Face your fear, empty yourself, trust your own voice, let go of control, have faith in outcomes, connect with a larger purpose, derive meaning from the struggle.
Kano Jigoro