Who Are You Without the Shoulds?
“I should work harder." "I should be more confident." "I should have it figured out by now.”
I hear these words all the time from my clients. And for years, I worked hard to train them out of my own thought patterns. But why does it matter? Because << Test First Name >>, every “should” quietly tells you: you’re not enough.
So much of who we think we are is shaped by these shoulds. When we believe them, we diminish ourselves. Whether we mean to or not, we are in subtle ways telling ourselves we are not enough. Every should is a reminder that we’re falling short—measuring ourselves against someone else’s standard or an idealized version of who we “should” be.
But here’s the truth: most of those shoulds didn’t originate with you. They were handed to you by parents, teachers, bosses, culture, even well-meaning friends who projected their own fears. Over time, the shoulds pile up like heavy layers of quick sand, making it hard to breathe freely—suffocating the real you underneath.
The good news is this: the full you is still there, beneath it all. Whole. Worthy. Enough.
Often with clients, I invite them to notice that the voice saying “I should…” is actually a signal. It points to a place where they’ve been living by someone else’s rulebook. And when they pause long enough to ask, “Do I even want this? Does this belong to me?”—they uncover their own truth.
That’s when things shift. Energy returns. Confidence grows. Anxiety loosens its grip. Not because the world got easier, but because they stopped trying to be someone they’re not.
“For example, this week I’ve been spending a lot of time researching a new place to live. I caught myself thinking, ‘I should get more done today.’ But when i stopped and focused on the why of what i’m doing and what is most important to me now I was able to create a less judgmental and more easeful experience for myself. When I reframed it as, ‘I choose to focus on what matters most,’ I felt more energized and less pressured.”
There is power, freedom and a greater sense of self when we reframe our shoulds:
A Simple Reframe
Instead of “I should…”, try one of these:
“I would like to…”
Shifts the focus from obligation to desire. It connects you to what you genuinely want instead of what you think you owe.“I choose to…”
Restores your agency. Instead of being pushed by outside pressure, you’re moving from your own inner power.“It would feel good to…”
Links action to nourishment and well-being, which is far more motivating than guilt.“I get to…”
Invites gratitude. “I get to exercise” feels very different than “I should exercise.”“It matters to me that…”
Grounds your choices in values, reminding you they’re rooted in meaning, not in judgment.
Each of these reframes makes a subtle but powerful shift—from external pressure to internal alignment.
So Here’s An Invitation For You:
This week, notice each time you hear yourself say, “I should…” Write it down. Then try one of these reframes. See how your energy shifts when your words are rooted in choice, desire, or values instead of duty.
You might be surprised at how light you feel when you let the shoulds fall away.
Because the real you—the one beneath the shoulds—has always been enough.
In Connection,
Gregg
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the
bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
— Brené Brown
“What if instead of saying ‘I should,’ you asked, ‘What would feel good right now?’” — Unknown
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” — Viktor Frankl