How has molding yourself to fit other's expectations transformed you?

Have you ever changed yourself to fit someone else’s idea of who you should be, and gradually lost track of who you are?

It can happen through a hundred small moments.

You say yes to another request even though you’re exhausted. You don’t want anyone to think you’re selfish or unreliable.

You rewrite an ordinary message five times, adding apologies so your perfectly reasonable request won’t sound demanding.

You downplay something you’re excited about because someone once told you you were “too much.”

Or someone asks what you’d like to do, and you immediately start figuring out what THEY would enjoy.

Your own preference barely gets a chance to enter the conversation.

I know this pattern.

For much of my life, I was constantly assessing whether I met other people’s criteria.

Am I OK? Am I acceptable? What do I need to change?

Sometimes I didn’t even know what those criteria were. I was trying to meet expectations I could only guess at.

And all that checking left me anxious and unhappy.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about this through something surprisingly simple: my eyebrows.

I’ve received negative comments about them, including people saying nobody should listen to me because of how they look.

I also get lovely comments from people who enjoy them.

The compliments feel good. But I don’t want either group to determine how I get to show up.

I like my eyebrows. They bring me joy. I want my own enjoyment to count.

Of course, there are times to compromise, consider feedback, and change our behavior. Caring about how we affect people matters.

But someone having a different preference doesn’t automatically mean we need to abandon ours.

And when approval has become a habit, we may need practice hearing ourselves before we can choose for ourselves.

Here’s one small way to begin.

The next time you notice yourself automatically agreeing, apologizing, or holding something back, pause and ask:

“What do I actually want here?”

“What am I afraid will happen if I let that be known?”

“What’s one honest response that also considers my needs?”

You might say:

“Let me check my capacity before I commit.”

“I’d actually prefer something quieter tonight.”

“This is something I’m excited about.”

You don’t have to overhaul your life. Pick one moment where you can give your own preference a little room.

It may feel uncomfortable. If you’re used to keeping everyone happy, expressing a different preference can feel unfamiliar, even when you’re being thoughtful and kind.

You can acknowledge that discomfort and still practice.

Each time you do, you give yourself a chance to discover what you enjoy, what you need, and who you are when you aren’t constantly adjusting for approval.

And you give other people a chance to know that person, too.

Where would you like to give yourself more permission to be you?

Hit reply and let me know. I’d love to hear.

In Connection,

Gregg

Do you recognize yourself in who you've become?

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” - Brené Brown