Boundaries: The Riverbanks That Let Your Life Flow - Part 1
The Courage to Set Boundaries, Even When Someone Doesn't Like Them
Have you ever said yes to something when every part of you wanted to say no?
Maybe you agreed to help a friend when you were already exhausted. Maybe you avoided telling your partner something was bothering you because you didn't want to create conflict. Or perhaps you promised yourself you'd stop working at a certain time, only to find yourself answering just one more email. And another. And another.
No can be a kindness, to ourselves and to others. Boundaries don't have to be a battle. Saying no to someone (or even to ourselves) with kindness also means saying yes to ourselves.
A river without banks isn't free. It's a flood. It spreads out, loses its force, and turns into a swamp. The banks are what give a river its shape, its direction and its power to carve a canyon over time.
Boundaries do the same for us. They aren't walls that keep life out. They're the banks that let our energy, care and attention actually flow in the direction of our goals and desires.
My Story
Several years ago I was the victim of a scam that cost me a lot of money and left me feeling a great deal of shame. I reached out to my community for support, and I was very clear about what I needed and what I did not need. Those were the boundaries I set around the support I wanted.
What I did not need, at least in the early stages, was to be told how I messed up or what I should have done instead. What I did need, and clearly asked for, was:
To be told I was loved. I was feeling so much shame and needed to hear that I still mattered.
A story of something similar that had happened to them, so I would feel less alone.
If they were able and so inclined, to purchase my services or send money to help offset my losses.
It was super scary to ask for all of this, and at first the asking brought up even more shame. That third request felt the most vulnerable of all. But saying clearly what I didn't want and what i did were the boundaries which both protected and nourished me while I was at my most raw.
The effect was a circle of deep closeness and care. Others got to share things they had been afraid to share and to offer support to someone they cared about. And as many, many people shared, they also got a lesson in asking for their own needs to be met.
Why Boundaries Matter
Boundaries aren't about controlling others, shutting people out, or creating rigid rules for ourselves. They're about recognizing what we need, what matters to us, and what we're willing and able to do. They allow us to protect our time, energy, emotional well-being and relationships.
They make your yes trustworthy. When people know you'll say no, they can believe your yes. Without boundaries, every yes carries a quiet question: do they really want to, or are they just being nice?
They prevent resentment. Resentment is often a boundary we didn't set, showing up later with interest. We say yes when we mean no, and the cost gets paid in irritation, distance and exhaustion.
They calm the nervous system. Constantly over-giving keeps the body in a low-grade state of alert, always scanning for what others need. For sensitive people especially, clear boundaries are less a luxury and more a form of nervous system care.
They build self-trust. When we repeatedly ignore the boundaries we set for ourselves, we undermine our self-trust. Every time we honor a boundary, we send ourselves a message:
I've got you. I won't abandon you to keep the peace.
My needs matter. My word matters. I matter.
My Story and a Client's
Because I carried a lot of abandonment wounds from being ostracized by my father, I used to really struggle to honor, or even express, my boundaries with others. I was afraid of not being liked or of being abandoned. And the reality is, some people may not like it when we express our boundaries. But caving to that pressure simply meant I was abandoning my own needs and desires.
What I've found in my own life and in my clients' lives is that even though it may not be easy, when we stay with the discomfort, our relationships with ourselves and others become healthier and healthier.
One of my clients struggled to set boundaries with both their spouse and their mother. This left them feeling stressed and resentful all the time. It was not easy at first, and in fact it created more conflict. That's okay, and it's normal when we suddenly stop putting our needs after everyone else's, especially with people who have gotten used to that. As they learned to honor their boundaries in ways that expressed care and compassion, they gained greater internal peace, felt more understood, and grew closer to their family members.
Two Directions: Outward and Inward
Boundaries face two ways.
Boundaries with others define what I will and won't do, and what I will and won't stay present for.
Boundaries with ourselves are the agreements we make with ourselves.
They feed each other. It's hard to hold a boundary with someone else if we routinely break the ones we set with ourselves. And when we keep our word to ourselves, saying no to others starts to feel less like a risk and more like simple honesty.
Examples: Boundaries With Others
Remember, a boundary describes what you will do, not what someone else must do.
Time: "I'm not able to join the committee this season. I want to give my current commitments my full attention."
Emotional capacity: "I really care about what you're going through, and I don't have the space to listen well tonight. Could we talk Thursday?"
Work: "I don't check email after 7pm. If something is truly urgent, text me."
Family comments: "I'm not going to discuss my weight. If it comes up again, I'll step outside for a bit."
Physical space: "I'm more of a handshake person, but I'm so glad to see you."
Money: "I'm not able to lend money, and I'd be happy to help you think through other options."
Notice what each one does: it names the limit, often names the care too, and puts the action in the speaker's hands. You can genuinely care about others and still share your limits honestly.
My Story
A partner of mine used to speak to me in a tone that felt very aggressive whenever we disagreed. I wanted to hear her, but I found I couldn't be present when I felt under attack. I let her know that if she raised her voice, I would leave the room until she could speak more quietly.
We both had abandonment wounds, so I made it clear that when I walked out of the room, I wasn't leaving her. I was simply caring for myself and my inner child. I also told her when I would return, or when she could check in with me again. I wanted to create safety in the process for her as well as for me.
To her credit, she understood. It wasn't always easy, and there were mistakes on both sides, but we learned to disagree in ways where each of us could feel heard.
Examples: Boundaries With Ourselves
These can be just as challenging, and just as powerful. Maybe you've decided to get more sleep, spend less time scrolling on your phone, or make time for something that nourishes you.
Yet when the moment arrives, there's always a reason to make an exception.
"I'll just finish this one thing."
"I deserve a little more time on my phone."
"I'll start tomorrow."
Sometimes these are legitimate choices. Other times they're ways we avoid the temporary discomfort of following through on a commitment.
And here's where I want to make an important distinction: honoring your boundaries with yourself is not the same as rigidly enforcing rules against yourself.
If you've committed to exercising but wake up feeling ill, rest might be exactly what honoring your needs looks like. The question isn't whether you followed the rule perfectly. It's whether you're acting in alignment with your needs and values, rather than automatically choosing the path of least resistance.
Self-trust isn't built through perfection. It's built through an ongoing relationship of listening to yourself, making conscious choices, and honoring your own word with compassion.
The pause rule: "I don't say yes on the spot. I say, 'Let me check and get back to you.'"
Rest: "One morning a week stays unscheduled, even when I feel behind."
Screens: "My phone sleeps outside the bedroom."
Perfectionism: "I review an important email once, then I send it."
The inner critic: "The voice that calls me stupid doesn't get the last word. When it shows up, I answer it with compassion."
The body check: "Before I agree to something, I notice whether my body leans in or tightens."
My Story
I'm proud of how adept I've become at setting boundaries with others, and even at the sometimes not-so-easy conversations that come with sharing them. Honestly, setting boundaries with myself is something I'm still working on. This is especially true around time management and the executive function skills that my ADHD brain does not make easy. If you follow me on social media, you know I've literally been writing the manual for my brain. Through it, I'm learning much greater self-trust.
This includes things like doing a twenty-minute workout in twenty minutes, instead of letting it take three hours. I'm learning it's safe to start something when I know the boundary of when I'll stop. And I'm learning it's safe to stop something when I have a plan for coming back. In the past, I often overrode my self-care needs because stopping felt scary when I couldn't trust myself to return.
It certainly hasn't been perfect. It's been an ongoing conversation, with many experiments to find what works, and when something doesn't work, noticing why and figuring out how to support what will. It's been a really beautiful exercise in self-trust, and one that has changed my relationship with myself, and with time, for the much better.
A Question to Sit With
Where this week did you say yes when your body said no? What boundary was trying to speak up?
Coming Up in Part Two
This is the end of Part One. In Part Two we'll explore:
Why boundaries are so hard to express
What to do when you meet resistance
Tools that support your boundary-setting practice
In Connection,
Gregg
