Boundaries Part 2: Holding the Riverbanks When the Water Rises
Navigating Fear, Resistance, and the Discomfort of Honoring Yourself
In Part 1, we explored how boundaries, like the banks of a river, give our lives direction and allow our energy, care, and attention to flow toward what matters most.
But what happens when the water rises?
What happens when someone gets upset because we've said no? When guilt shows up? Or when we make a commitment to ourselves and suddenly find a dozen perfectly reasonable excuses for not following through?
It's one thing to understand the importance of boundaries. It's another to honor them when doing so feels uncomfortable.
And sometimes, especially when we're learning something new, it can feel really uncomfortable.
Why Are Boundaries So Hard?
It’s hard to set a limit around a need we have not named. Sometimes we don’t know what we need. If that feels true for you, here’s a resource I wrote on exploring that. Express Your Needs
Often the challenge isn't knowing what we want or need. It's what we fear might happen if we express it. We are wired to belong so our nervous system can treat others being upset with us as a real threat even when it is not. Our heart races with thoughts of:
What if they get angry?
What if they think I'm selfish?
What if they stop loving me or decide I'm not worth their time?
For people-pleasers, perfectionists, and those of us who have experienced rejection or abandonment, setting a boundary can feel like risking the very connection we're trying to preserve.
We may have learned, consciously or unconsciously, that keeping others happy is how we stay safe, loved, or accepted. That strategy may have benefitted us in the past but it costs us now.
We might over-explain, apologize repeatedly, backtrack, or abandon the boundary altogether.
So it is worth remembering:
Discomfort or guilt doesn't necessarily mean you're doing something wrong. Sometimes it just means you're doing something unfamiliar.
What Happens When You Meet Resistance Or Someone Pushes Back?
Here's something that can be difficult to accept:
Other people are allowed to have feelings about our boundaries.
They may feel disappointed, frustrated, confused, or angry.
We can care about those feelings without automatically making ourselves responsible for changing them.
Imagine telling a friend you can't attend an event and hearing:
"Wow. I guess I'm just not that important to you."
You might feel a rush of guilt and immediately want to reverse your decision.
But what if you paused instead?
What if you responded:
"I hear that you're disappointed, and I really do care about you. I also need to honor what I have the capacity for right now."
You're acknowledging their experience without abandoning your own.
And sometimes their response may help you recognize a misunderstanding or a need you hadn't considered.
After all, boundaries aren't meant to eliminate communication. They're an invitation to greater honesty and understanding.
Of course, there's a difference between someone expressing disappointment and someone repeatedly disregarding your boundaries. Sometimes people will test to see if you meant it.
When a boundary continues to be violated, we may need to be clearer about what we will do to care for ourselves.
For example:
"I want to continue this conversation, but I'm not willing to be yelled at. If the yelling continues, I'll step away and we can try again when we're both calmer."
Notice that we're not demanding that the other person change. We're communicating what we will do.
And sometimes maintaining a boundary means following through, even when someone doesn't like it.
What About Resistance From Ourselves?
Sometimes the person pushing against our boundaries is the one looking back at us in the mirror.
Maybe we've committed to going to bed earlier, exercising, taking breaks, or spending less time on our phones.
And then the negotiations begin.
"I'll just finish this one thing."
"I'll start tomorrow."
"It doesn't really matter if I skip today."
Sometimes those are legitimate choices. But sometimes they're rationalizations that help us avoid temporary discomfort while sacrificing something we care about more deeply.
I think there's an important distinction here.
Self-trust isn't built by forcing ourselves to follow rigid rules. It's built by learning to honor our intentions with compassion and flexibility.
Maybe you've committed to a 30-minute workout, but today you only have the energy for ten minutes.
Doing ten minutes may be an act of honoring your boundary rather than abandoning it.
Or perhaps you've decided to stop working at 6 PM, but you find yourself afraid to stop because you're not sure you'll be able to get started again tomorrow.
What if you made a plan for exactly when and how you'll return?
Sometimes the support we need isn't more discipline. It's greater safety and trust in ourselves.
Six Tools for Practicing Boundaries
1. Pause before responding.
You don't have to answer every request immediately.
"Let me check what I have capacity for and get back to you."
That simple pause creates space between the request and your automatic response.
2. Notice what's happening inside.
Before agreeing to something, pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.
Are you saying yes because you genuinely want to? Or because you're afraid of what might happen if you say no?
Your body can offer useful information, even if it doesn't always tell the whole story.
3. Acknowledge the feeling without surrendering the boundary.
You can say:
"I understand this is disappointing."
And still say:
"I'm not available."
Compassion for someone else's feelings doesn't require abandoning your own needs.
4. Make your commitments to yourself achievable.
Rather than expecting perfection, experiment with a minimum standard for success.
Five minutes of movement. One page of writing. Putting your phone down fifteen minutes earlier.
Small promises that you can realistically keep help build self-trust over time.
5. Replace self-judgment with curiosity.
When you don't honor a boundary, notice what happens next.
Do you criticize yourself? Decide you've failed? Give up entirely?
What if instead you asked:
"What got in the way?"
"What was I needing in that moment?"
"What could help me next time?"
Every experience can become information that helps you develop a healthier relationship with yourself.
6. Let nature guide you.
Notice natural boundaries like the bark on a tree, the skin on our bodies, the shore of a lake or the edge where forest and meadow meet, plants or animals with poison that says don’t touch.
Nature is full of edges that make life possible.
The Invitation
You don't need to become someone who never feels guilty, afraid, or uncomfortable when setting boundaries.
And you don't need everyone else to approve of your boundaries before you're allowed to have them.
You can learn to make space for discomfort while still honoring what matters to you.
Just as the banks of a river don't prevent the water from rising, our boundaries don't prevent difficult feelings or challenging moments.
They give us something to return to when the waters get turbulent.
This week, I invite you to notice one boundary you've been struggling to honor.
It might be with another person. Or it might be with yourself.
Ask yourself:
What am I afraid might happen if I honor this boundary?
What support would make it easier?
And what would it look like to approach this with both courage and compassion?
Because every time we choose not to abandon ourselves, we're practicing something powerful:
The ability to trust ourselves, even when things get uncomfortable.
In Connection, Gregg
So much life happens at the boundaries.
"When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid."
Audre Lorde