“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”
— Pema Chödrön
Think about something you’re trying to build right now — a habit, a relationship, a new skill. Have you noticed how inconsistent the journey can feel?
Whenever we start a new skill or habit, our subconscious expectation is that we will keep getting better evenly and consistently over time.
But that’s rarely how growth works.
Growth is not linear.
Some days flow easily.
Other days don’t.
On the harder days it’s easy to think something is wrong — especially when things don’t go as planned… or sometimes go much worse than planned.
That is actually a very normal part of the process.
Yet it can be so tempting to beat ourselves up, wondering what’s wrong with me and why can’t I do this thing when everyone else can?
That voice that says ‘What’s wrong with me?’ is just the inner critic trying to keep us safe in the only way it knows how, by limiting our growth.
I certainly hear those voices sometimes.
Ironically, the hard days are often the most informative ones, where there is greatest opportunity for growth. They show us where our edges are, what our nervous system is doing, and how we respond when things aren’t easy.
Over twenty years ago I moved out to California because I wanted to paddle in bigger sea kayak conditions and be around stronger paddlers so I could improve both my physical and mental skills.
As my surf skills grew, they helped quiet the fear I had of the water from three near-drownings as a child.
The fear never disappeared completely — and honestly I’m glad to still have a healthy respect for the ocean — but it softened enough that I could enjoy being in big seas and riding large surf.
Even so, there were days when I felt more tenuous. Days when I chose to avoid certain conditions and not challenge my limits.
Given that the whole reason I moved thousands of miles was to push those limits, it would have been easy to judge myself or doubt myself on those days.
Sometimes that probably happened.
But in general I understood that it didn’t mean anything was wrong.
Maybe I was underslept.
Maybe I was tired from several hard charging days in a row.
Maybe my diet was off.
Maybe something emotional in another part of my life was affecting me.
Or maybe the stars simply weren’t aligned that day.
It can certainly be valuable to notice the factors that impact us so we can create better conditions for success.
And part of creating those optimal conditions is choosing not to beat ourselves up when things don’t go the way we hoped — even when we don’t know why.
Right now I’m doing a 31-day project where I’m taking a 10-minute cold plunge in the Pacific Ocean near the Golden Gate Bridge every day.
There’s the challenge of jumping into cold, wave-swept water… and the challenge of the time and logistics required to get there.
I’m documenting the whole journey dubbed The Becoming Experiment on Instagram. Follow along to see who I’m becoming.
My brain comes up with all kinds of reasons not to do it on any given day.
Some days are definitely easier than others.
And I’m choosing not to make the harder days mean something about me.
I just keep moving forward.
Is there something in your life that you’re trying to build — a habit, a goal, a new direction — where the uneven days make it harder to stay the course?
I’m rooting for you.
If you'd like support staying compassionate with yourself while pursuing a goal, you can schedule a free discovery call here.
A pre and post cold plunge photo below
“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” -
Brené Brown
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” -
Anaïs Nin